wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
no, he came in my armpit
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
