I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
