Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
