Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
