It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
did i walk over a car last night?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
