Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Randomize
