Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
