forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
