Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
