A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
