new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
