It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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