you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Of course I have a pirate flag
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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