Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
