The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
