stop calling my apartment porn island.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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