its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
