I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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