Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
This toilet bowl is my home.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
