I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
