Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
