You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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