It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
