If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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