Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
