yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
