My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
