he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just gift wrapped bread.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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