I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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