on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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