remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Never let your siblings swipe right.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
