and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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