Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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