I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
