I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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