I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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