The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
