I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
