LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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