These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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