I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You're like the curious george of whores
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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