So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
