I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
