omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
