Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
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