there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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