the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
