Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
