I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Randomize
