my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
