somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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