the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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