I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
