so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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