I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
